I'm not really sure why I can't kick it. I'm gone to therapists (very short term.) But the problem is there. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't put my daughter in danger. I don't get wasted and cheat on my husband. But every day I regret what I do, and beat myself up for it. And every morning I tell myself that it won't happen again.
The real problem, aside from the fact that I'm forty and there are weight issues with drinking (not huge ones, I'm not necessarily overweight, although I am according the most of the fashion magazines and the other mothers here in New York City), is that there is a lot I want to accomplish, and I can't, and I blame the drinking. It makes you tired, it makes you unmotivated, it makes you make bad decisions. I would be a lot closer to my goals if I didn't drink. No denying it. Or perhaps, I blame my inability to get everything I want on the drinking. Not sure. But stopping couldn't hurt.
So this is day one of exploring why I do it and how to stop. And while I've attempted to explore it before, I may have more success doing it a semi-public forum.
One of the big problems is I like people who drink. It sounds self-serving, but I think they are fun. You laugh more. You do silly, crazy things. You release more emotions. I know people who don't drink and I think they are boring. I totally know that this logic is twisted. I don't trust people who don't. Most of them are holy roller, and for god's sake, drinking was in the bible!
I'm also a very stressed out person. Lots of reasons why, I'm sure which will come out in this blog. I had a excellent job with an amazing organization at a Wall Street Firm. No, I didn't get drunk on the job and get fired. Just the opposite. I did pretty well, until I got pregnant. And no I didn't drink while I was pregnant (I had the occasional wine spritzer at the OK from my doctor.) If anyone thinks that being pregnant in this day and age doesn't impact how your co-workers see you, you're kidding yourself, but that's another blog.
The problem with my career was I could have done even better had I not been a drinker. In the end, I was faced with taking on a bigger job (with less money by the way, thanks to the media). But I just couldn't do it. I was going to break.
I even when to a hypnotherapist to try and get some help. She was great, and I often listen to the CD she made me, and sometimes I feel better. But mostly I feel like drinking.
For the last year, I'm been staying home with my daughter. I decided to resign because the hours I was working meant I barely saw her, and I didn't want to be that mother that didn't know her child. But the year that I worked while others took care of her, was probably my biggest drinking year of all. The stress of wanting to be with my child, and the extra pressures of dealing with a financial system that was blowing up, and a declining economy, was too much. And drinking was how I dealt with it.
As I stay home mom, the stress of the unexpected challenges made me drink - not while I was alone with my daughter, but when my husband got home, you could be sure I was sticking my head in a bottle of pinot grigio.
My newest string of excuses is that it's my husband's birthday, my family is coming to visit (they like to drink). But the reality is that I need to stop. Every day I'm going to make an attempt not to do it. And every day I will post about how it goes.
I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, and huge potential. I need to pull it together.
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