Day Three of my Total Realization

So you can see the problem. I went in for one, and slammed back five. I guess that the nature of an addiction, you just can't stop. Sometimes I can, but lately, it's harder.

I woke up in the night and my fingers were numb. That's got to be a bad sign, it's been happening quite a bit lately. Probably something terrible like diabetes... great. The drinking is related to other things. I have this weird eye thing, when I'm tired, or stressed, or drinking, my left eye gets bigger. The reality is that something is behind my eye and gets bigger, pushing it out a bit. It's nothing you would notice unless I pointed it out, although sometimes it gets bad. I've been to five doctors, who had no clue what it might be. I've had the MRIs, the CatScan's - had it all. A mystery. But I've also had an acupuncturist,  a chiropractor, and a medical intuitive tell me not to drink.

So the question is why do I sacrifice twenty hours a day for the one or two when I'm buzzed? I don't know.

Sometimes I think I should just accept my lot in life. I'm a drinker. I'll never achieve what I dream of, but not all of us do. But then I realize, this country wasn't build on people who accepted their lot in life. Plus I think about my daughter and I don't want her to have the same type of challenge. My mother has been a bit of an alcoholic since a young adult, something I only learned a few years ago. So does that mean my issues are nature or nuture? I didn't know my mother drank, or maybe I did and buried it. Who knows. My daughter has got the odds stacked against her - my husband's father is an even bigger drinker than my mother. And my grandfather was a hard-core alcoholic. Maybe I don't have a chance.

But maybe I do. Today/tonight I do not have a reason to drink. Although it is Saturday...